In the movie, A Bronx Tale, Chazz Palminteri plays a mobster who "owns" a little neighborhood in the Bronx and ends up unofficially mentoring "C" the son of a local bus driver who is devoted to being a "good" family man. The mobster in one of his "profound" mentoring discussions with "C" tells him that bottomline, "nobody cares". When I heard that, in my mind I said that may be true.

Later on in the week, as I was hurriedly working on the church bulletins and putting together the worship for the next day's service, I turned to my husband and I said to him, "Why do I do this 'nobody cares.' " Then he just started to pray and said "Lord, thank you because you care!" That slapped me into a moment of feeling like a really bad Christian and let's not even think about "pastor". But that is the truth, folks. I have my moments of very high periods as I was just a few minutes ago and then my low (God why don't you take me now) points. What happened in a span of a few minutes you ask? Let me tell you...(you know I will, why have a blog right!?)

I was filling out my younger son's paperwork for "after care" where he will stay after school is over until my husband picks him up. As I am reading the mounds and mounds of ridiculous (in some cases) paperwork, I find that they are telling parents if you don't make more than $38,000 a year for a 4-member family home, you will have to pay $160 a week ($640/month). My heart sank. I can't afford that. This is on top of news that I have to pay $2,125 this semester because I finished my coursework earlier than the 36 months they give doctoral students to finish..(penalized for finishing early!!??). I am barely making ends meet as it is now (you know the old story, after I lost what I thought would be a life long side gig its been down hill ever since) and I am struggling. As I started to babble to my husband, I told him thoughts that I won't even share in this post and he said to me "Liz, think pure thoughts" and I told him as I closed my eyes to think of a few, "Nope, they ain't comin!". He then said a comment that made me laugh and right after that very much needed laughter, I busted out crying.

Sometimes I don't want to be strong. I've been strong ever since I can remember. I am tired. Sometimes I want to succumb to weaknesses, to things that will give me temporary escapes from my present realities. I feel so overwhelmed right now. I wondered out loud "What was I thinking to think I could have a normal life with a special needs child" and start a church "I must have had a momentary lapse of judgment, that must have been a flesh move."

But then, something happened, and I was reminded of David. He felt anger, pain, despair, hurt and fully expressed them to God but still "trusted Him". Job said "though He slay me, yet will I trust Him." Oh, these are the times that matter, when faith meets crisis and you decide to either have a crisis of faith or faith to go through the crisis. I told my husband "There is absolutely no reason for me to be sane this day but for the grace of God". He said "Thank God He's kept you sane". He has.

"The things we try to avoid and fight against --- tribulation, suffering and persecution --- are the very things that produce abundant joy in us. Huge waves that would frighten the ordinary swimmer produce a tremendous thrill for the surfer who has ridden them. "We are more than conquerors through Him" IN all these things - not in spite of them, but in the midst of them. A saint doesn't know the joy of the Lord in spite of tribulation, but because of it. Paul said "I am exceedingly joyful in all our tribulation". Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest (Rom 8:37, 2 Cor 7:4)

When I was in my deepest darkness going through the two major life crises, God was there. He got me through. He cheers for me. He believes in me. He knows I can make it. So while I agree that there are many people I will come in contact with that "don't care" I know God cares and that my friends, is the only somebody I need. Nobody cares? Not true, God does. Thank you, Hiram, for reminding me that even when I step in a crapload of problems and seemingly "going to take me out" situations, God's got my back and even though tears may drop and my heart may sink "weeping may last through the night BUT joy comes in the morning."

Be encouraged. Life happens all around us but then there is God. Let's hold on together!

[image of the Good Shepherd by Simon Dewey]