Honest confession – I find myself to have a very driven personality which, of course, can be good, but also very challenging.  If I have a desire or a vision for something, anything, I rarely rest until I get it. What’s difficult here is that my desires now are usually very pure – at least I hope they are.  It’s not that I desire stuff or cash…but still, it can become problematic.  What is currently at hand in my life, of course, is starting a new church and I love it.  I really do. I love what I do.  I love the people, the city, the cause, and the church.  And, too often, I find myself cheating on my wife…with the church.  And that’s my honest confession.  And it will stop.

Jess and I had the privilege of hosting our friends, Brian and Grace McLaren, in our home for dinner a few weeks ago.  As many of you know, Brian started a church and pastored it for, I believe, 24 years.  Brian and his wife have been married for thirty.  They’ve done well!  Jess and I had a wonderful evening as we shared our trials and triumphs here in the city and listened to 30 years of wisdom, 26 of which were years spent pastoring.

As we spoke of the church starting world and the need to protect our marriage through the process, Brian began scratching on our girls’ art easel and shared a diagram which Keith Matthews and Dallas Willard had once shared. If you’re in full-time ministry, or part-time, or volunteer for that matter, I think you may benefit as I did:

(Here’s my “paint” version)

This is what a healthy pastor’s life should look like.  The largest circle, of course, is your life. Within that larger circle is the ministry circle which should certainly be a big part of what you do. Within that ministry circle, however,  is your “job” as a pastor of a local church. It’s important that your “job” is not all you do in ministry but only a part.  But the real danger is when, for a lot of us, our “jobs” swallow up, not only all of our ministry, but it swallows up everything we are and our diagram ends up looking  more like this:

All we are and all that we do becomes consumed with our “job.”

As a church starter you’re literally never off duty.  You might take a day off but it is hard…24/7.  And what makes it harder is that you love it. You love (almost) everything about it.  You love meeting with people, and counseling, and studying, and getting shot with pellet guns, and connecting with new faces, and getting frisked by police…it’s awesome. You really don’t mind working 24/7.  Especially if you’re a bit on the driven side of things.

But it’s not good; and it’s not healthy.

We spoke of a married couple in ministry who, both husband and wife, were completely driven and all-in-all-the-time and we talked about how their marriage then fell apart.  Because all they had left was the “job.” They had left their lives (and love) and traded them for their jobs.

And so I publicly announce that:

1. I love my wife more than my church
2. I will give my wife my best (not my leftovers)
3. and I will be thankful for her and listen to her even when she tells me I’m working too much