Next-Wave Ezine > church & culture

For the Three People Who Might Still Check My Blog
By Christy Lambertson

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[Publisher's Note: I like Christy Lambertson's writing. Her blog address is at the bottom. I noticed this entry recently. Like most bloggers, Christy has periods when she is prolific and when she's not. Whenever she writes, however, it expresses an authenticity I find refreshing.]

So – it’s been a while. I’m afraid to make any promises about whether or not I’m going to return to regular blogging, but I have missed my little spot on the interwebs, so I’ll just see how it goes.

I’ve had some major internal shifts in the past six months, and I think I haven’t been writing because I needed some time to adjust to my new normal. It’s finally sunk in that I don’t need to brace myself for my upcoming emotional meltdown, the PTSD is 90% gone for good, and holes I did not think could be filled just aren’t there anymore. I’ve stopped interpreting every negative emotion as a sign of deep-rooted damage & insanity, and for the first time in my life, I don’t feel like a fundamentally defective human being.

Every so often this still astonishes me. Even on my best days, I just assumed that I would battle a certain amount of self-loathing for the rest of my life. I didn’t know that feeling equal to everyone else in the room was even a possibility.

A few weeks ago, my therapist said to me, “You do realize that you have achieved all the goals you set for yourself, and that we’re basically just hanging out during your sessions, and that the only reason for us to keep doing this is to augment my income? I don’t think that’s a very good reason to stay in therapy, so I think we should talk about terminating. ”

I sat with that for a week or two, and realized, “Huh. I think she’s right. How’d that happen?”

©Nicholas Moore | Dreamstime.com

I mean, I know how it happened. I was, after all, there for all of the excruciating work and the yoga and the meditation and the painful decisions - and I have the debt wrought by $12,000 of therapy to prove it. Still, even after years on this journey, there’s a big part of this healing that feels supremely mysterious. I plod along and do this little bit of work, then that little bit, and it is a slow, steep hike through sharp and prickly things. Then at unpredictable intervals, I hit critical mass, and something clicks. All of a sudden, I’m in a new spot, and the view is completely different. Every time, it feels surprising, so I will credit the Mysterious Divine and be grateful.

So, my life is good right now, even though from the outside looking in, it is supremely unspectacular. For me, though, there are worse things than a little boredom here and there. Just sitting on my couch and being okay or waking up feeling pretty good still feels pretty miraculous, so while I want to expand my life in the next few months, I’m trying to soak up the wonder of being ordinary.

So, three cheers for the mundane, and I’ll try to be back soon.

Christy Lambertson lives in Los Angeles, where she makes rather good mojitos, refuses to root for the Lakers, and blogs at Dry Bones Dance. This article is republished from Christy's blog.

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