But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit comes on you; and you will be my witnesses in Jerusalem, and in all Judea and Samaria, and to the ends of the earth. (Acts 1:8)

I had my first conscious encounter with this power when I was 11. It happened at a Christian camp that held services every night. The experience was described as an infilling of the Holy Spirit, or the baptism in the Holy Spirit. It was spoken about often, kind of like an infomercial talks about the newest must have invention (no, not PooTrap). By the time they're finished speaking, you're diving for the phone. This infilling was power to help people. It was wholeness. It was boldness. It was everything a child lacks. Why wouldn't I want such a thing if I could get it? Soon we were given an opportunity to receive this experience at an altar time following the service, and I was ready to get my share. This part is fuzzy, but I remember a lot of worship music and a lot of direction from the preacher. He would tell us when to raise our hands and what specifically to pray for and when. I don't think it worked right away because I recall feeling inadequate, like I was doing something wrong because it wasn't working for me. The other kids didn't look like anything was happening to them either except every couple of minutes someone would just start breaking down in uncontrollable weeping. Obviously some kind of power was affecting them because the way they were acting was powerfully uncool. It was awkward and weird. I think some kids changed their minds about wanting to receive after seeing that.

A bit later, the campers all got in a line and walked in between two lines of camp counselors who were praying for us. I guess that's what did it for me. When I got through the "Holy Spirit Car Wash," as it is affectionately called, I was overwhelmed with the feeling of God being there. It's hard to explain, but anyone who has felt it can relate. It was His presence and mercy and love. I couldn't see Him, but I was aware of something of Him. So much so that I deeply felt how incredibly unfit I was to receive whatever I was feeling. It wasn't a self-hatred kind of feeling, but it caused me to repent deeply.

I remember being advised on how to "speak in tongues" next. They weren't telling me how to do it. I didn't need help with that because it just sort of came out when I opened my mouth and exercised my vocal cords. It wasn't quite gibberish because I didn't have to think of what syllables to pronounce next, and it really didn't sound like any language I've ever heard before. I notice that it was completely under my control when I could start and stop speaking it too. And that's all I knew. Other kids were speaking in tongues as well, but we weren't doing it out of wanting to belong or because it was "cool." There was nothing cool about it.

Another thing that happened was that I got very loud. I don't even remember what I was saying, but I just started yelling. At one point I grabbed and Bible and held it over my head and started talking about it. I'm laughing at how dumb I must have looked. This was a definitely something supernatural because I was actually at least year younger than every kid at that camp, and I was insecure and quiet nearly the whole week. There was no way I would put myself out there even to play some goofy game, let alone start yelling gobbledeegook words at the top of my lungs in the middle of a sea of older kids. For the first time in my entire life, I didn't care one bit what my peers thought of me. All the fear was completely gone. It came back eventually. The next day a girl came up to me and said "you were loud last night," and I was embarrassed. "So?" I retorted. Yeah, I was never great at comebacks.

On a following night, the preacher spoke about what the infilling in the Holy Spirit was for. It was an empowering to tell people about Jesus. This never really happened for me. Once I got back to my middle school with scores of kids who held my confidence in the palm of their hands, all possibility of me preaching to them dried up. It's not that I didn't care. It's that I felt unprepared for such a daunting task. This brought on a lot of guilt. I noticed that the feeling of fullness from camp didn't last, though that particular camp experience was certainly not the last time I felt it.

Today I look back on such times and I think, "God has such an ability and willingness to come down and meet with us in such a powerful way. Even children can receive Him. Why doesn't he do this all the time and to people with more social clout? Why doesn't he do this to people who don't believe He exists? Why doesn't he fill me with the Holy Spirit right now as I'm typing this, so the next pagan I come across can get a healthy dose of God's power? Why did I have to go through a car wash the first time to get his gift instead of just receiving it right when I asked for it?"

"Why am I now older and finding that these experiences are thousands of miles away when I'm supposed to be closer to him than ever before?"

I believe the answer to all these questions is "Wait."

These times taught me a few things: (1) God exists. I think it's kind of funny that with all my Bible studies and religious upbringing, the only thing truly keeping my faith strong today are my encounters with real power. (2) He is so not-of-this-world that just a taste of His presence could cause you to do bizarre things. (3) It is totally up to Him when such "tastings" occur and (4) Even with the personal evidence I have of who God is, I continue to sin.

It is not for me to know why God does everything He does, but it doesn't matter that God does not market His son like I would. All that matters is that He is forgiving of those who repent.

Luke 10 has an example of some disciples who get jazzed up about having some kind of power from God, but Jesus awakens them to what is really important:

The seventy-two returned with joy and said, "Lord, even the demons submit to us in your name." He replied, "I saw Satan fall like lightning from heaven. I have given you authority to trample on snakes and scorpions and to overcome all the power of the enemy; nothing will harm you. However, do not rejoice that the spirits submit to you, but rejoice that your names are written in heaven" (v. 17-20).