How Big Is The Kingdom? A Personal Look At My Deconstructed Faith
By David Hopkins |
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I wrote my first article for Next-Wave back in April 1999. During my time with the online magazine, I wrote 23 articles. Somewhere around October 2001, I went from being contributing editor to editor-in-chief. My tenure lasted until September 2002. During that time, I gave the site a dreadful redesign (orange and blue, really?), added a message board, made the editor-in-chief and publisher section more blog oriented, included pdfs for each article, and encouraged shorter articles that would be more web-friendly.
Next-Wave looks much better nowadays.
Recently, I took time to read what I had written previously, expecting to be completely horrified by it. And you know? Not too shabby. A few of my essays had some ideas that still hold up -- a little bit of wit, sloppy reasoning here and there, and a whole lot of enthusiasm. I remember the more I wrote, the more anxious I got to make Next-Wave subversive. I wanted to shake things up in a positive way. At a certain point, that anxiety probably got the best of me.
On one end, I was frustrated, and continue to be, by the Purpose Driven mega-church movement. It felt like twelve steps backwards from engaging culture with anything more than spiritual-tainment. On the other end, the postmodern Emergent stuff was a t-shirt-and-conference movement with a few good role models, a few good examples, and a few good books, but a club where most couldn't figure the right handshake. The WabiSabi Conference in Austin, geared towards the postmodern church, was my final frustration. My cynicism kept me from enjoying anything it had to offer. I realized how much I had disconnected from everything.
A year earlier, I applied to Fuller Seminary distance learning program – intending to be a full time seminary student and then plant my own church. I was a community pastor at Axxess in Arlington, Texas. By 2003, I didn't even know if I even wanted to be a Christian. What the hell happened?
Some of it was an intellectual retooling of my beliefs -- my understanding of Scripture, the historical development of creeds and the early debate on Christ's divinity. Some of it was social. I feel strongly about homosexuals being precious to God, and playing a role in the marginalized churches of our world. This doesn't fly with many Christians. Some of it was financial. I couldn't afford to go to seminary and play church. Some of it was personal. Once having a daughter, while the trend is for young parents to return to church, I was even more hesitant. I didn’t want my daughter being exposed to the more intolerant ideologies. And some of it was inconsequential. I discovered a love for writing comics, and it suited me well, better than being a pastor.
Whether you agree with my reasoning, like it or not, the reasons were my own. I was the one dealing with it. And as a result, my anxiety got the better of me.
More appropriately, I was testing the community of faith. With all my insecurities, I was asking: do you love me now?
If I think this way, will you still accept me? If I believe this, will you still call me one of your own? If I act different, will you still trust me? How far will the community stretch to include those who don’t fit the mold – without any pretense to conform them? How big is the Kingdom? Does it have room for me?
I still don’t know if I have an answer. Considering my girlfriend is Buddhist, I probably won’t ever be the model for orthodox Christianity or the voice to change the Church. This past year, I’ve been attending City Church. A friend I greatly respect invited me. My first church in five years. While there, cynicism goes away, and I’m able to come before the God I’ve always known, who has always loved this world, me being part of it. And that’s something.
Next-Wave engages the church and culture. There are many churches, and yet one Church. There are many cultures, and yet we’re all one People. Next-Wave can be that synthesis of apparent incongruity, a voice to ask how big is the Kingdom. And while searching for the answer, I hope we arrive at even better questions.
“For this reason I bow my knees to the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, from whom the whole family in heaven and earth is named, that He would grant you, according to the riches of His glory, to be strengthened with might through His Spirit in the inner man, that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith; that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may be able to comprehend with all the saints what is the width and length and depth and height – to know the love of Christ which passes knowledge; that you may be filled with all the fullness of God.” – Ephesians
David Hopkins is a high school English teacher, comic book writer, and essayist. His work includes KARMA INCORPORATED, EMILY EDISON, ASTRONAUT DAD, an adaptation of ANTIGONE, plus regular contributions to D Magazine and the Smart Pop Series from BenBella Books. He and his daughter Kennedy live in Arlington, Texas. Check out his website, Antihero Comics
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Interesting - sounds like churches has clouded your perspective of the kingdom of God,which is not only bigger than all "church groups or communities of faith". Of COURSE the kingdom has room for you - after all it has room for me. The "community" may not stretch the mold to fit in fringers, but the kingdom of god has nothing to stretch. You`re in, whether the community likes you or not, whether you like them or not. There are many churches, many body parts, but one body.
And the Church is not the head of christ.
Dave: Interesting thoughts. From your writing it appears that you are searching - for truth and authenticity - as long as it is not intolerant. I believe one of the problematic area's in the church today, is their inability to address the pertinent issues or accept an individual who is searching. Truth in my mind is steadfast. On the flip side, too often steadfastness is easily considered intolerant in our culture. Jesus was steadfast in His belief and let the rich young ruler walk away. Was He intolerant? Would intolerance have been defined differently from Jesus prespective than from the young ruler? Although the Kingdom is larger than the church, a citizen of the King lives under His authority. We, as christians, who live a democracy often define intolerance as anyone or thing which disagree's with our autonomy. So what did you mean intolerant church?
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And the Church is not the head of christ.