Next-Wave Ezine > church & culture

Contemplating the New Year
By Christy Lambertson

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Whether we entered 2008 with a smile or a hangover, something about the new year makes many of us think, “This is it. This is the year I am finally going to get my shit together – lose weight, work out, be more generous, do something about global warming, pray more, be kinder, watch less TV, find God, find love, find what I’m supposed to do with my life.” (If you are one of those people who has never despaired of getting your shit together, then someday you must tell me what it is like in your world. )

Historically, I’m an inveterate resolution-maker, but this year, I have decided that I already spend too much energy wistfully wondering what could have been, battling my apocalyptic tendencies, or waiting and wishing for that mythical day when I will finally be who and what I want to be. Right now, thinking about where I want to be in a year just makes me think about how I'm not there now, and the last few years of my life have been so dramatically surprising that trying to see a year into the future seems a little bit ridiculous.

My therapist has a little phrase that she repeats a lot: Slower is faster. It annoys me a little bit when she says it, most likely because it is true. I can only make today's decisions today - I can't make next week's or November's or June's. There is no fast forward button that I can use to skip to the good part, because the good part is built on the little decisions I make today and tomorrow and the next day. Eventually, all the little decisions and little steps might pay off in unexpected ways, but I can't predict any of that ahead of time.

I can only make the changes I am ready and able to make, and focusing on the stuff I'm not ready for yet just takes my attention off what I can do right now in this moment. While I would love to be more grandiose, thinking big doesn't seem to work for me. More and more, contentment seems to be about embracing the moment that I am in - even the bad moments - and embracing who I am right now, with all my limitations and flaws.

I have some cracks and holes and demons and damage that many people don't. Maybe that will eventually change, but maybe it won't. I believe it was Donald Rumsfeld (and yes, I'm surprised that I'm quoting him too) who said, "You go to war with the army you have, not the army you wish you had." While his qualifications as a military strategist may be shaky, and I did not hand out any Christmas gifts to neo-cons, I may have finally figured out that I live my life with the me I have, not the me I wish I had.

Sadly, the completely emotionally stable, financially secure, eternally compassionate me who throws great parties, reads novels in Spanish, and has a fantastic boyfriend does not technically exist. I may not be living my best life or improving myself at a rate that would be acceptable to Oprah. I may never get everything I want - or even most of it, but I can embrace the moment that I'm in and the me that is in that moment.

I think most of us have trouble believing that who we are in this moment is enough, that God really loves us as we are right now. How could She when we are so screwed up, or at the very least, severely under-achieving? We could always be more loving, more generous, more selfless – more everything. And that’s just us. If you look at the state of the world, what with assassinations in Pakistan and violence in Kenya and war in Iraq and poverty and AIDS and violence and 47 million Americans without health care and a criminal justice system gone awry...it seems overwhelming, and small decisions in this moment seem inconsequential.

But this moment is what we have, and we are who we are, and the Spirit is present in all the mess inside and outside of us. Maybe you hope 2008 is as good as last year or maybe you couldn’t wait to finally see the back end of 2007. Whichever it was, I hope that in the middle of wherever you find yourself, you will accept who you are and where you are and know that God accepts you too.

Christy Lambertson lives in southern California, where she is a free-lance grantwriter, spiritual director in training, yoga fan, and eco-geek. She blogs at http://drybonesdance.typepad.com

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